I honestly couldn’t tell you where it stemmed from, but all of the sudden I wasn’t good enough. Now, that’s a very wide blanket statement. “I wasn’t good enough” but the feeling overwhelmed me and left me in tears.
I received an email from one of the venues of an upcoming Alice’s Table event, reaching out to check up on ticket sales. She wanted to know if we had any RSVPs. I loaded my host page, hoping by some grace of God that there might be something staring back at me as it came up. Zero.
Not only did I feel as if I was letting the venue down, but headquarters had reached out to me about having someone shadow my event as she was a new Exec in the area. I was elated at the opportunity to have another Exec in the area, someone else to bond over flowers with and learn how to market together. I had the fleeting thought of “what if she’s better than I am” and remembered that was simply the ego mind lying to me, and I dismissed the thought. But now, staring at zero RSVPs, I knew that I had nothing to show the newbie and it was very likely that she might do better than I…all she had to do was sell one ticket.
I began to think about my life as a whole. Feeling quite frustrated with myself, my aspirations and the lack of evidence. I didn’t feel as though I was “living my best life” as I promote and encourage so many men and women to do. Thank God for all of the personal work I have been doing because something in me perked up and said “you always wanted to be a Director…and you accomplished that”. It may be a small win in the grand scheme of all of my dreams and aspirations of eventually working for myself…but that small voice was right, I was a Director and I had worked really hard post grad to claim that title. From gym instructor to preschool teacher and assistant director… I had accomplished exactly what I had set out do to.
Alice’s Table may absolutely blow up in the Denver area, or maybe it doesn’t… maybe I start my own company from scratch (again) and it fails (again. Story for another time), or maybe it doesn’t. God blessed me with a limitless mind and a capability to match. My kryptonite is my need for things to happen immediately (hello millennial) and I recognize that. It took me over two years to become the Director I set out to be when I graduated college and I know that the road ahead will guide me to beautiful things and places that will also take time, maybe many years more, to reach.
I know that life can suck. I know that sometimes it leads you to feeling helpless, reaching for your past or feeling extremely displaced. I pray that instead of demeaning yourself and wallowing in panic that you allow the little wins to encourage you to keep falling forward. Passing a test or getting that last promotion, I pray you allow your dreams to live, move with the path when it shifts and allow time do what it does. I pray you enjoy the ride.