Like the stereotype of most women, I am indecisive. I have several theories as to why but no true conclusive answer.
I've been doing quite a bit of soul searching lately, figuring out what direction my career should be moving in, creating new goals, reshaping old ones and allowing myself to simply be myself. I'd gotten caught up in the idea that I needed to be a certain status by now...watching other bloggers reach thousands of followers after just one year all the while my Instagram account wavered between +/- 10 on a day to day basis. Writing captions and taking pictures became work and weekly posts the source of my stress. Between Alice's Table, being a Director, writing a blog, be a solid partner, worrying about my career, trying to take 15 classes a month at Pure Barre and being at least a half-decent dog mom, I was incredibly overwhelmed, burnt out and removed from myself.
This blog post is not meant to tell you that after a four week hiatus I have it all together. But rather that it (whatever your "it" is)... is a process.
I noticed that a portion of my stress came from uncertainty over what direction to move in. I started questioning EVERYTHING. "Should I take a Barre class now? I could probably get a photoshoot in later, so I should go to Barre now... but if I go later I can..." 30 minutes later, I'd wasted time simply trying to figure out the best use of my time. "I shouldn't post this picture now, it'll be better if I post it tonight, but what do I want the caption to say? Should it be long and thoughtful or short and funny? Should it be short and thoughtful? Maybe I should pick a different photo"
Holy crap. It had to stop.
I started asking myself why I was asking myself so many questions - what was I so concerned about? Image? Status? Yes and No. Perfection? Probably some of that going on. I dug deeper...and then I looked around.
What in the world was I fighting so hard to prove??
I had a good job, it wasn't my end all be all, but it was a good job that paid my bills and then some, I had a loving partner, a super cute/annoying pup, a good relationship with Christ, yes there were improvements to be made here and there, but why was I racing so hard to be noticed, affluent and financially independent RIGHT NOW? I suddenly realized that it didn't really matter what direction I chose to move in, when I decided to post, how I decided to post, what business venture I took next so long as it a) made sense with my soul and b) kept me in tune with the Universe. Whatever step I took in whatever direction would be the right one.
Whatever step you take in whatever direction is and will be the right step.
It is beyond easy to wonder, "but what if this isn't the path God would have me on? What is the better path?" I've done it far too often. Ultimately I have come to the conclusion that even if it is a detour instead of the grand path God has for me, it'll provide a lesson and I will find my way again. Take a deep breath and simply take a step. Guided by peace, you will know when you've mis-stepped. Something inside will let you know. It's all still a little fuzzy and I'm learning what it means to truly hear God and His plans...but I definitely won't hear him living in anxiety and worry. Instead, I step in faith, lean into hope and seek the peace that cannot be found on my own.